It’s a void. A feeling of emptiness you feel when you finish reading a good book, a book in which you have identified with the ups and downs of the character as he goes through his life. Unfortunately for me, I get under the skin of the character. I fall in love when he falls in love, I cry when he cries. I feel the pain when he loses and feel the euphoria when he rises to the pinnacle of his career. At times when he is feeling low I feel my life is a bottomless pit.
I admire several people in my life who are voracious readers. They can go deep into the night and devour a book cover to cover in a couple of days or lesser and as soon as one is over they warm up to a new one and life is fun for them. I am exactly opposite, on most days when I read I am sitting with a pencil in my hand to underline the lines I like in that book, which as per my calculations is a better thing to do now as earlier I used to sit with a ruler to draw those lines perfectly straight. I make a few notes and comments on the side columns from time to time. As I am congenitally linguistically challenged, most days I need to sit with some form of dictionary at hand to understand what the author just said when he used a big word I have never seen before. I sometimes like to close my eyes and ponder deeper or rather delve meticulously into the feelings that my character is going through. To add to that, my ageing eyes need rest from time to time. With all these chores and paraphernalia while reading, I end up taking a week to a month or sometimes even more to finish a book especially if it’s a big fat one. Another aspect of my reading habits is that as I approach the end of a good book, I agonizingly slow down the pace at which I read, I somehow want the book to go on. Although I enjoy doing that, the down side is that I will read only a few more books in this lifetime. Choosing a book itself is a big time consuming exercise for me. I don’t like reading fiction that much, so I am left with very few books like autobiographies and self-help books which according to my psychologically feeble mind is what helps me get through difficult aspects of my life. Of course according to Bhakti (My Wife), that’s the reason I look sad all the time. She keeps telling me to read happy stuff. I am getting there, and I think I should get to reading cooking recipe books, the food will surely keep me happy and I will stay away from fiction. Another genre worth exploring for me is travel guides and related stuff, but I find that too distracting as I get lost in the photographs in those and end up not finishing the stuff I started to read.
The last book that bought out these overwhelming emotional feelings in me, the one that I underlined in a lot was, “OPEN”, an absolutely stunning autobiography of the life of tennis rock star Andre Agassi. I read it hesitantly on a strong recommendation of one my close friends. I know that in cricketing times like these I must stay away from writing about other sports. But I have moved away from cricket, grown up a bit, plus I really don’t have the patience to wait all day to see one team win especially as our cricket captain is the last man standing whom I love and rest of the team is just too new for me to identify with.
As I read through the first page of this book, I immediately got hooked onto it. This cohesively written book has an eloquence that I did not expect from a professional athlete, it took me by surprise. It’s designed like a fast paced action and emotional thriller .It takes you through the inner chasms of the professional and personal life of a celebrity who was misunderstood and clearly not loved all the time, not only by his fans and family but even by himself. To rise above the demons in your mind and conquer the world in your sport and finding a purpose higher than wealth to do it, left me awestruck.
A perfectionist and a rebel to the core, I identified with a lot of personality traits that I read in the book. In fact at one point, he says that even after winning a big slam, he did not feel inner happiness that he was expecting to experience. After finishing the book, I realized that the only thing we need, to do well in our lives is not wealth, but Inspiration and the security of being loved. There are times when I am doing my best work and showing it to the best audiences, but in my heart I know I am still not where I want to be, I don’t know where I am heading at times, although most people my age seem to be well sorted out. I know that I need to get inspired all the time. Sometimes, that inspiration comes from my father, who is my hero, for his “hard work” ethic and positively energized demeanour that allows him to work all day at age of 80. Sometimes I derive it from my daughters who spew love around me and keep me going. There are times when it comes from Bhakti who is always happy about something or the other in life and sometimes she is even happy for no apparent reason at all. But the greatest inspiration and the one that keeps me going for the longest time is the one that comes from my inner voice. It’s usually, very mean to me, my inner voice. Does not allow me to be at peace so easily, keeps beating me up frequently for the lapses in my life. It’s most active late night and early mornings and keeps looking out for me to be alone and then it starts talking. Sometimes, on good days, it talks to inspire me, gives me some reason for which I must bend my back and slog it out to achieve that little extra from my life. On a bad day, almost masochistically, it puts me on a “self – destruct” mode. Life, I feel for me, is all about learning to tame my inner voice and making it do more positive things for me.
There are some really candid thoughts in this book that we are talking about. Some really funny scenes too. My favourite is the dialogue between Agassi and Steffi Graf when the latter realizes she is pregnant. The entire episode of Agassi finding his love in Steffi and pursuing her is almost described “as an invasion of Germany by land and sea”. For a person who admits that he hated tennis since his turbulent childhood days and rebels throughout his life against it, allowing drugs to take over for a while and then taming his inner voice and finding purpose and inspiration to go on and be ranked as number one and win a career “Golden Slam” (all four Grand Slam singles title plus the Olympic Gold medal) is a huge achievement. His records are overwhelming but what he personally achieved for himself after his 20 odd years playing tennis is admirable as he retired as a happy man with a purpose in life; the formation of the Andre Agassi Foundation for Education. He raised millions of dollars for the Andre Agassi College Preparatory Academy, an acclaimed school for underprivileged children, this purpose allowed him to play tennis long after his peers retired. What a life!! At the age of 7 years if someone had told him he would do all this in his life he would have not believed him.
For these little things and much more the book is worth a read, worth gaining inspiration from, worth going through a life that has so many highs and lows and still comes out a winner on all fronts. It’s a good way to OPEN your mind to the immense possibilities that life has to offer once you conquer and control that little inner voice.
19 Responses to That little Inner Voice
Wow Dr Ali. I m amazed how u can pen your thoughts so beautifully n you are being modest by saying u are linguistically challenged. I too relate to you saying that u just get into the character that U are reading about. Caz i tend to be in love when my protagonist is in love and i tend to be one of the underworld if my protagonist is one. Unlike u , i read a lot of fiction and try to stay away from sad stories. But yes, there is one autobiography i read which left a mark on me and that was “An autobiography of Lee Iacocca” of Ford fame. I will definitely read OPEN. Get my copy tomorrow itself.
Thanks Sharada for the kind words and I am truly linguistically challenged. I am not being modest but am honest as always in my blog. I see people use flowery language and some really great high end words and that’s where I feel I lose the plot! I will look forward to reading the one autobiography that you have read! I love reading about things and people I don’t know anything about:)
Great stuff, Ali. You must write more often. I haven’t read this book but now I think I will.
Thanks Ashraf, Coming from an accomplished writer like you, whose work I admire, I take this as a huge compliment. I Appreciate it:)
Hello sir, it’s nice to read your blogs.This one is straight from heart and I am impressed that you have no inhibitions to reveal your phases of high and low .I can very much relate to this as even after being blessed in many ways I still am in a quest to find that soul purpose which will satisfy my innervoice.Taming the innervoice will not quieten it rather increase its restlessness.Listening to it and following your heart is a way to eternal happiness .Rising above from momentary pleasures or in a way experiencing pleasure in each moment.This book is now on my list of books to read.
Thanks Harleen. I am glad you like the blogs. Always good to know that someone reads what you write. And I agree, listening to the inner voice matters all the time.
Hi, Ali read your little inner voice. Very well written. U should write more. The words seem to come from heart. I even read your travel blog. And added the places u visited to my trave list.
All the best
Hey Monica. Thanks a lot for reading this and liking it. I hope to write more, but words sometimes fail me on their way:) When I can catch them and tie them up, a blog happens:)
Ali, you just inspired me to invest in,”Open”.
Great read it is. Let me know if you like it after you’ve read it Dr Sheiba
Beautifully written
i can so much relate to u sir
plus i loved when u mentioned that ur wife is always happy…even if there is no apparent reason at all
Very Inspiring
i love all ur write ups
there is always something or the other to learn
Prachi! Thanks once again for liking what I write. It keeps me motivated:)
Beautifully expressed !!
My father had taught me many years ago that the inner voice, which is in all of us….is my only true friend…it will never let me down. Its purely non-subjective, non-biased and always directed to bring out best of us…spiritually and emotionally which eventually reflects in our actions and works. As long as i keep listening to it i will stay on the path meant for me.
Ali you have expressed the same thoughts in your own inimitable style….bringing back some sweet memories….
Sachin! That’s a great thing your father used to say. My father says a lot of wise things to me. Surprisingly, as a tradition, I realize the importance of what he said only after a few years pass by and then he rises up higher in my eyes. Its been happening more often now and I feel now I am at an age that it all they said is making sense!
beautifully crafted sir. Agassi one of my favourite tennis star, need to read this book. ur blog is always worth reading. truly appreciating …
Thanks Ranjeet! When I read Agassi, I did not know anything about him. I never was on his side when he played, was always a Sampras fan, then Roger’s. I guess that’s why i loved reading him so much.
Nicely written. It’s perceptive insightful and real. Pick up meditation, and listen to classical music like Mozart or Bach which will help you harnes, unleash your creativity and
boost your intuition. creativityfurther.
Thanks Shabnam:). I will do that. Listening to music is surely therapeutic and has a calming effect. Not tried meditation but heard about its benefits. I think the most important thing we need to harness our creativity is a bit of free time and that’s what I am working at achieving:)
sir, that inner voice is the “:1″… pushing you from the start till now.
very happy to read how beautifully..u have jolt down the words…
just superb..!!